Top 26 Quotes & Sayings by A. Whitney Brown

Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian A. Whitney Brown.

Last updated on September 18, 2024.

Alan Whitney Brown is an American writer and comedian best known for work on Saturday Night Live in the 1980s. In addition to writing for the program, he appeared opposite Dennis Miller in a biting satirical Weekend Update commentary segment called "The Big Picture". He won a 1988 Emmy Award for Outstanding Writing in a Variety or Music Program, along with Al Franken, Tom Davis, Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, Lorne Michaels and Conan O'Brien. He was also one of the original correspondents on Comedy Central's The Daily Show from 1996 to 1998.

American - Comedian | Born: July 8, 1952

Source: Wikipedia

I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest.

A. Whitney Brown

I'm not an atheist. How can you not believe in something that doesn't exist? That's way too convoluted for me.

A. Whitney Brown

A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer.

A. Whitney Brown

The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down.

A. Whitney Brown

Harry S. Truman had his moods. His birthplace is the only tourist attraction in America where you don't see Japanese with cameras.

A. Whitney Brown

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A. Whitney Brown

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

A. Whitney Brown

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

A. Whitney Brown

Enjoy every minute. There's plenty of time to be dead.

A. Whitney Brown

The Bible says, 'The truth shall make you free.' But let's not forget it was Spiro Agnew who said that a good lie will keep you out of jail in the first place.

A. Whitney Brown

There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a billion people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you.

A. Whitney Brown

Once again decent citizens will be able to enter this house of worship, kneel down in front of a nearly-naked man hanging from a wooden apparatus by a series of gruesome body piercings, and engage in their bizarre practices of ritualized blood-drinking and cannibalism without being assaulted by graphic images of attractive young women with bare breasts.

A. Whitney Brown

You know, you look at the chaos in the conservative camp right now, it's only too tempting to blame it all on pot. But in fact, the Reagan revolution owes a lot to Reefer. For one thing, it's made the symptoms of senility socially acceptable.

A. Whitney Brown

Saint George killed the last dragon, and he was called a hero for it. I've never seen a dragon, and I wish he would have left at least one. Saint Patrick made a name for himself by running the snakes out of Ireland, leaving the place vulnerable to rodent infestation. This business of making saints out of men who exterminate their fellow creatures has got to stop. All I'm saying is, it's starting to get a little lonely up here at the top of the food chain.

A. Whitney Brown

I don't know if the unborn has rights, but I do know that being born again doesn't give you more rights.

A. Whitney Brown

The Baptists believe in The Right to Life before you're born. They also believe in Life After Death, but that is a privilege and you have to earn it by spending the interim in guilt-ridden misery. At an early age I decided that living a life of pious misery in the hope of going to heaven when it's over is a lot like keeping your eyes shut all through a movie in the hope of getting your money back at the end.

A. Whitney Brown

I think it's time to stop carping on the blunders of the President and give him some credit for creativity. I mean, where do you even FIND a Jewish hard-line conservative Republican pot-smoker? Sounds like an Oprah Winfrey guest.

A. Whitney Brown

The past actually happened. History is what someone took the time to write down.

A. Whitney Brown

The very fact that the jaguar can become extinct while the Pekingese survives indicates to me that someone hasn't thought this thing through.

A. Whitney Brown

I don't know whether you have any rights before you're born. All I know is that being born again doesn't entitle you to twice as many.

A. Whitney Brown

There's a lot we should be able to learn from history. And yet history proves that we never do. In fact, the main lesson of history is that we never learn the lessons of history. This makes us look so stupid that few people care to read it. They'd rather not be reminded. Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing.

A. Whitney Brown

Plant trees. They give us two of the most crucial elements for our survival: oxygen and books.

A. Whitney Brown

I'm not an athiest. How can you not believe in something that doesn't exist? That's way too convoluted for me.

A. Whitney Brown

The Baptists' basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking. It's a ritual known as 'Bobbing for Baptists.'

A. Whitney Brown

I never joined, but I used to go to church now and then. I liked it, because they always passed out plates of money at the end.

A. Whitney Brown

Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing.

A. Whitney Brown