Top 156 Quotes & Sayings by Adam Carolla - Page 2

A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the 'Every vote counts.'

If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.

I've got a great eye for color. I'm like a chick.

I mean, we sit around and we go, you know, 'Torture doesn't work.' Well, it's been around for 5,000 years. Most stuff that doesn't work goes the way of the dodo pretty quick, like waterbeds and 8-tracks and things like that.

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.

I don't know anything about computers.

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.

The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.

I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.

I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

I've never really broken this down before, but, in movies, you almost have no connection to fans. And if you do TV, you're kind of connected, but they know you as the TV name not your real name. If you do radio, there's more of a bond there. And then if you do a podcast it's like you're literally inside of your fans.

I was a horrible student.

The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.

I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Everything seems overwhelming when you stand back and look at the totality of it. I build a lot of stuff and it would all seem impossible if I didn't break it down piece by piece, stage by stage. The best gift you can give yourself is some drive--that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates. The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

Welfare is monetary methadone.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it's not the glitter and it's not the pomp and circumstance. We've got black and white, we've got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn't care what color you are, and it doesn't care how rich your parents are, and it doesn't care what God you pray to. It's an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

Lets not focus on saving a nickel... lets focus on making a buck.

I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person.

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

It's like the Fouth of July in my underpants.

My motto is "more mystery, less history".

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

Don’t do your best, do my best.

Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.