Top 107 Quotes & Sayings by Amy Schumer

I love being in my own skin, and I hope other women start feeling better about themselves and waste less energy being ashamed of their bodies.

I think standup is pretty good for an introvert because you are performing, but, I mean, it's on your own terms. There are so many people in the room, but it's a one-sided conversation. And you actually don't have to interact - unless you want to.

I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.

I'll never forget the day I realized I wasn't quite the Ford model I thought I was.

I'm insanely close to my sister.

I'm super grateful that there wasn't social media when I was a kid, but that sort of self-doubt crept in at a young age. It's bullying. It's the comments here and there, and maybe somebody says something to you that they don't even mean to be a mean-spirited comment, but they'll just kind of say it to you in passing.

I am very into making up my own rules.

I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.

I want people to live to their full potential, not to hold themselves back because of insecurities, and especially not women. I see too much of that.

My regimen is I wake up, usually around 8:30, brush my teeth, and splash water on my face.

I am not a racist.

I like people who are predictable.

I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.

Some men's magazines are just downright offensive.

People get really turned off by feminism.

A big part of becoming a funny person was a major defense mechanism. Onstage, especially as a woman, I've had to be really tough. The second you show a crack, the audience can literally leave.

The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.

What's good about not being a model is that it's not the thing I trade on. Once I start looking older, that won't affect me. I have never gotten anything done because I'm, like, so gorgeous. I'm good-looking enough that I can work in the business.

I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out - I work out hard.

I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.

Happiness can't start with external stuff, whether that's money or success or your body.

I was always like that, at 5 years old, just demanding equality. I thought it could all be fixed if you called attention to it.

Being introverted, it doesn't mean necessarily being shy or being afraid of public speaking; it just means that it's hard for me to interact with people for too long.

To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you're saying to people.

I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that.

My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.

I can't hide my feelings. I'm efficient. I've always been that way.

I've always had my wrist slapped for being myself.

I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It's not true. I'm right where I should be.

I really am a chick from Long Island who's just learning along with everyone.

I just have this sense of entitlement that I should be able to feel comfortable at all times, like I could go to bed at any moment in what I'm wearing.

It's really hard for a lot of men to have the woman accomplishing more than them.

I love watching TV.

I love standing at a microphone and making a room of people laugh. That's the part of the work I love; everything else is extraneous.

I have a healthy relationship with food. My problem is, as a comic, I eat dinner late. But I'll have a smoothie for breakfast every morning, and I keep it pretty low-carb and healthy during the day. At night, I'll have a basic protein, quinoa, and vegetables.

It's not hard for me to be funny. But it's really hard. I don't think a lot of people are funny. I meet a lot of people, and most of them aren't funny.

My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.

I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.

I donated blood today. That's what I call getting an AIDS test.

I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.

You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.

Everyone is allowed to have their own boundaries. You just are. No matter how you dress, no matter what you say or anything, and I feel strongly about that.

She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.

My mom made me think I was gorgeous. When I was younger she was like, 'Look at you! You're an angel. You sparkle!' And I was like, 'I do!' You believe your parents.

You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

Don't feel bad for me. I think I'm, like, so pretty.

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?

I'm not sure I'd classify any topics as off-limits, but I don't look for new territories to offend. There's my joke about when my roommate beat cancer. People talk about cancer survivors like they're warriors, but from where I was sitting, she was just watching television and eating soup. Like, did she go to war? No. She kind of just sat around.

He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

To me, feminism means equality between men and women. I want to make people laugh and also point out some injustices or inequalities I see.

I hate false advertising, like 'Skittles: taste the rainbow.' No one's ever been like, 'Rainbow, right you guys?' Or what's Reese's? 'There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's.' Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn't love you.

I want to make women laugh. I want to make them feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to empower them to use their voice and not apologize.

I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.

I want to quit. Not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air, after reading a mean Twitter comment, and say, 'All right! You got it. You figured me out. I'm not pretty. I'm not thin. I do not deserve to use my voice. I'll start wearing a burqa and start waiting tables at a pancake house. All my self-worth is based on what you can see.' But then I think, F*** that ... I am a woman with thoughts and questions and s*** to say. I say if I'm beautiful. I say if I'm strong. You will not determine my story - I will.

I've got a terrible person in me just as much as anybody else, and I think - I like to think I also have a really good person in me.

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.

The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford.