Top 249 Quotes & Sayings by Andy Rooney - Page 3

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.

I'm always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

We should change our attitude toward the United Nations. There has to be some power in the world superior to our own. We should not have attacked Iraq without the okay of the United Nations. Now we have to live with that mistake. We're living with it, and too many of our guys are dying with it.

It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.

Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each.

The one affectation I have forced on the publisher... are my apostrophe-free ellisions. Because I write my scripts to read myself, I dont spell 'don't' with an apostrophe. I spell it 'dont'. We all know the word and it seems foolish to put in an extraneous apostrophe. Punctuation marks are devices we use to make the meaning of sentences clear. There is nothing confusing about a word like 'dont' printed without an apostrophe to indicate an omitted letter.

Believing is such a comfort that it's hard to give up a belief just because it isn't true.

Walking is good for the soul.

Creativity is a by-product of hard work. If I never have another really new idea, it won't matter.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers. More college graduates ought to become plumbers or electricians, then go home at night and read Shakespeare.

Looking and not finding is certainly one of the most frustrating ways to spend time.

Those to whom his word was revealed were always alone in some remote place, like Moses. There wasn't anyone else around when Mohammed got the word either. Mormon Joseph Smith and Christian Scientist, Mary Baker Eddy, had exclusive audiences with God. We have to trust them as reporters--and you know how reporters are. They'll do anything for a story.

A little-recognized value of listening and inquiring relates to the realization that in human relationships, it is frequently not what the I've learned ... that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances: when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of lonliness. We need each other and we need to get away from each other. We need proximity and distance, conversation and silence. We almost always get more of each than we want at any one time.

The fastest thing computers do is go obsolete.

If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

It's ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game—except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that's important.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.

I've learned... That when you're in love, it shows.

You're almost always better off keeping your mouth shut, but don't let that stop you from popping off.

Don't you hate it when...your suitcase is the last one off the airplane?

Sooner or later the world will have to return to the good old days when we fought wars and killed people the old-fashioned way, one at a time.

Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated.

Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?"

I don't know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you've taken a pill out?

I've learned... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

Civilization means conforming to a standard of behavior that may not seem natural to us.

The great virtue of being alone is that your mind can go its own way.

... all of us talk faster than we listen.

No one ever writes a book in which he is the bad guy.

Great teachers are usually a little crazy.

The English language is more complex than calculus because numbers don't have nuances.

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40 +, there is a balding, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Once you pass forty, a dime isn't worth bending over to pick up if you drop one.

The best thing about a vacation is planning it.

Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.

If I'd known how many problems I was going to run into before I finished, I can't remember a single project I would have started.

We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.

My most serious character flaw is that I don't deny myself much.

If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.

Familiar things are a comfort to us all.

There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating?

In a conversation, keep in mind that you're more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is.

It isn't working that's so hard, it's getting ready to work.

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

Did you ever notice that people who are good with a computer don't use it for much of anything except being good with a computer? They know all about information technology, but they don't have much interest in the information. I'm the opposite.

It's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it's requested, and when it's a life threatening situation.

I am an atheist... I don't understand religion at all. I'm sure I'll offend a lot of people by saying this, but I think it's all nonsense.

I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.

My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.

By the time they're ready to be thrown away, most shoes are thoroughly comfortable

One of my major shortcomings - I'm vindictive. I don't know why that is. Even in petty things in my life I tend to strike back. It's a lot more pleasurable a sensation than feeling threatened.

Art is a by-product of an honest and successful attempt to do something well.

It's not so much that I write well, I just don't write badly very often and that passes for good on television.

In spite of some bad experiences, I'm a firm believer in the trial and error method of learning.

Person-to-person, most people are honest.

Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

Every one starts out being an atheist.