Top 205 Quotes & Sayings by Anthony Jeselnik - Page 2

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car keys." And then I just think of different ways the story could end. "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.

I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.

I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.

I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.

I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere "hah."

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play Candle in the Wind non-stop.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little "faces."

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.