Top 62 Quotes & Sayings by Bert Kreischer

Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Bert Kreischer.

Last updated on September 17, 2024.

Bert Kreischer, nicknamed "The Machine", is an American stand-up comedian, podcaster, reality television host and actor. In 1997, he was featured in an article in Rolling Stone while attending Florida State University. The magazine named Kreischer "the top partyer at the Number One Party School in the country." The article also served as inspiration for the 2002 film National Lampoon's Van Wilder. Kreischer has served as host of the television series Hurt Bert on FX as well as Bert the Conqueror and Trip Flip on Travel Channel. He is slated to appear on The Machine, a comedy film based on his life and career.

American - Comedian | Born: November 3, 1972

Source: Wikipedia

I love giggling more than anything in the world. It's my favorite thing in the world to do.

Bert Kreischer

I'm just kind of a regular guy.

Bert Kreischer

You don't go to a school and major in partying.

Bert Kreischer

Some of the most fun I've ever had has been filming 'Bert the Conqueror.' As a stand-up comedian, I love putting this humorous spin on travel, and I get the added bonus of using all these wild adventures in my act.

Bert Kreischer

Don't hole up in your apartment and just write jokes, be a real human being and develop your own voice. Then you will be undeniable.

Bert Kreischer

I grew up Catholic and still feel a lot of Catholic guilt. But my wife is not religious so we're not raising our daughters religiously.

Bert Kreischer

I say off-the-wall things to get a response.

Bert Kreischer

When I was on 'Hurt Bert' on FX - and I'm not crapping on FX, I'm just being honest - there was a point when I realized that they didn't care if I died. If I died, they'd say 'Of course it's a legal thing, but think of the numbers.'

Bert Kreischer

The Travel Channel named me the professional fun seeker, and that's exactly what I am.

Bert Kreischer

I get this weird energy that starts in my feet and goes up and fills my head, and I just want to get everyone in the crowd to laugh.

Bert Kreischer

There are days where I'm like, 'Oh, my God, I'm so happy I'm living the life I'm living.'

Bert Kreischer

I've learned to control my anxiety.

Bert Kreischer

I was in New York City and my sister and cousin came out to see me, and I brought a guitar on stage. But all the audience wanted was for me to play so they weren't listing to anything I was saying, I bombed hard. On the cab ride home, my sister pulled a sticker off the cab and put it on my guitar which I still have today in my man cave.

Bert Kreischer

I was in an ESPN interview and was asked, 'Who would I most want to ride a roller coaster with?' and I said Warren Sapp because every time he giggles, you can hear there's a little girl inside of him. I called him a little girl, and he found me on Twitter and was like, 'Are you the Bert who called me a little girl?' I was like, 'Oh, great!'

Bert Kreischer

Busch Gardens was my theme park; it was where I went on my day off from school.

Bert Kreischer

I'm not technically brand-friendly to feminists.

Bert Kreischer

I'd love to write a book called 'How to Raise a Virgin.' Seriously, I think a book about that would sell.

Bert Kreischer

My personality has gotten me some really good job interviews in New York.

Bert Kreischer

I'm such a lazy traveler. When I go to a city now, I hang out around the venue. I'm boring.

Bert Kreischer

I love touring. I love stand up. I love getting on a tour bus with my friends.

Bert Kreischer

I'm the guy who needs to be front and center. I joined a fraternity to do that.

Bert Kreischer

I love going on other people's podcasts - in my opinion not enough people ask me to be guests!

Bert Kreischer

I need someone to be like, 'I can beat Bert in a marathon.' And then my Mickey Mantle genes will kick in and I'll start going, 'No you can't. You can't beat me, because I'll beat myself.'

Bert Kreischer

My father grew up in Levittown, L.I., in the first tract housing built for G.I.'s. His dad had stormed the beaches of Omaha and died when my father was very young. My dad had to raise himself, pretty much.

Bert Kreischer

I'm a big believer in saying things out loud, I think he that helps you focus your goals.

Bert Kreischer

Skydiving is fascinating, the best part is cruising in the air and realizing that the dice has been thrown and you're either going to die or not. It's a very helpless feeling but it's so freeing.

Bert Kreischer

I generate a lot of good vibrations, good energy.

Bert Kreischer

It's not hard to find the energy to do the things you absolutely want to do.

Bert Kreischer

I like parties. I like talking and conversations.

Bert Kreischer

Men scream, that's why they gave us voices.

Bert Kreischer

Part of my personality is I like to have a good time and I'm an extrovert, and extroverts, they blossom as meathead frat boys and extroverts get labeled as meathead frat boys. For me, it's just part of my personality.

Bert Kreischer

When people think of New York, they don't automatically think of going to Chelsea Piers and Pier 40, where you're going to find a soccer field, a baseball field, the trapeze and bowling alleys.

Bert Kreischer

I'd love to be a movie star. That'd be great. But I lost the looks awhile ago. They slipped right through my hands like sand in an hourglass.

Bert Kreischer

I don't have that kind of brain where I can spell-check.

Bert Kreischer

I like comics like Janeane Garofalo who is very stream of conscious in an honest way.

Bert Kreischer

I love partying and I love laughing.

Bert Kreischer

I think I've got the coolest friends in the entire world, I really do.

Bert Kreischer

There's nothing like making a crowd laugh. For me that's the ultimate high.

Bert Kreischer

I like making people laugh.

Bert Kreischer

I know the one thing that will reset my button is getting up and running a fast mile.

Bert Kreischer

No matter how successful I may get, I'll always be a failed musician, sitting at a concert double-fisting overpriced twenty-ounce beers, wishing it was me on stage brooding soulfully to my fans. I had my shot once, but I let it slip through my fingers.

Bert Kreischer

I am not a big fan of very prepared standup. I like when Dave Attell writes and I appreciate it but I much more enjoy with he does crowd work. I'm not that kind of comic that prepares a specific set. If I see a comic do the same prepared set night after night I am so bored.

Bert Kreischer

The first and last song I ever wrote was a ballad I was quite proud of, and one I would play for anyone, anywhere.

Bert Kreischer

People take getting offended in L.A. to an art form.

Bert Kreischer

I adopted a motto: Never say no. Jim Morrison never said no, Kurt Cobain never said no. You couldn't have great things to write about if all you did was sit in your living room with your roommates talking about the phone bill.

Bert Kreischer

My second freshman year of college, that's year two of seven, my father got very sick and though he was going to die. He gave me a Rolex, a bottom of the line one. I wore that watch everyday. He didn't die. On my 40th birthday, he gave me a very nice Rolex that belonged to him. That's the one thing we connect on: the watch.

Bert Kreischer

I run into guys all the time that say, 'Me and my three buddies started fat shaming each other and we collectively lost 130 pounds.'

Bert Kreischer

My whole life I've wanted to be famous.

Bert Kreischer

I have always liked being the life of the party.

Bert Kreischer

I read some older books when I worked at Barnes And Noble, like some of the American classics. I read a lot of Hemingway. I fell in love with Hemingway's prose and with the way he wrote. I feel like he's talking to me, like we're in a bar and he's not trying to jazz it up and sound smart, he's just being him.

Bert Kreischer

My first stand-up experience was in Tallahassee at a club called Potbelly's.

Bert Kreischer

My biggest regret is by far doing the Travel Channel show, 'Bert the Adventurer.' I spent seven years away from my family. I don't regret the job or working for the channel; I regret being away from home.

Bert Kreischer

Doing a reality show is like being in a fraternity.

Bert Kreischer

I'm a comedian. I want you to laugh. That's my main goal. I punch things up to get things tighter, quicker and get you to the joke faster.

Bert Kreischer

I really respect those guys that get $250,000 for punching up scripts, because it's an art form.

Bert Kreischer

If there's an adrenaline rush, I will find it; if there's an anxiety attack, I will have it.

Bert Kreischer

I did nine years with Travel Channel and had all of these incredible experiences.

Bert Kreischer

I can talk fantasy football forever!

Bert Kreischer

Here's the weird thing about me. I was never one to tell you stories about me. I was always the guy who others told stories about. I was like that up until I was 35 years old. And then I started telling stories about me onstage.

Bert Kreischer

I've always clowned around.

Bert Kreischer

Top 62 Quotes & Sayings by Bert Kreischer

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