Top 136 Quotes & Sayings by Bill Engvall - Page 3

Just when I think the human race has been lost to the "what about me" people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

I was a dork hunter. That's hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!

I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.

I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!