Top 268 Quotes & Sayings by Bill Hicks - Page 3

Humanity is just a virus with shoes.

Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick--'You hate this country'....I have to tell him...I just hate being lied to.

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts...Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.

You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know during the Persian Gulf war those intelligence reports would come out: "Iraq: incredible weapons - incredible weapons." How do you know that? "Uh, well... we looked at the receipts."

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally on our planet, serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying that God made a mistake.

What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?

Isn't that weird, we've made nature against the law. That's how un-natural we've become.

A lotta Christians wear crosses 'round their necks; do you think if Jesus comes back he ever wants to see another cross?

We're supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul

Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.

Would you let the aliens land, please? They might be here to pick me up.

It's hard to have a relationship in this business...it's gonna take a very special woman...or a bunch of average ones.

We really are All One....this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years.

I wouldn't give Satan a snowball's chance in Hell against a woman's ego.

People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha?

Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding-fucking-proposals...and the first thought that enters my mind is, "And I'm not getting laid." What am I doing wrong?

I saw...a kid on a leash. You seen these people? Kid on a leash? How horrible. Put him in the pound where he belongs.

Life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.

I am available for children's parties, by the way.

I'd...bet enthusiasm for 'ethnic cleansing' will wane if only sticks and rocks are available for the warring parties.

I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing...Those unwanted babies...? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps.

Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let's put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal.

What strikes me as funny about Elvis is that all the impersonators choose to do the Vegas Elvis; not the young, cool guy, always the bloated fool.

We are losing the 'War on Drugs,' which means there's a war going on and people on drugs are winning it.

Good comedy helps people know they're not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.

Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here's my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride ...

That's what I hate about the war on drugs. All day long we see those commercials: "Here's your brain, here's your brain on drugs", "Just Say No", "Why do you think they call it dope?" … And then the next commercial is [singing] "This Bud's for yooouuuu." C'mon, everybody, let's be hypocritical bastards. It's okay to drink your drug. We meant those other drugs. Those untaxed drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for you.

Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag?...No, it's not...That's called logic and it'll help us all evolve.

I...am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light...in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required.

I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you.

The Voice of Reason is in us all...and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally.

Jesus-murdered. Martin Luther King-murdered. Gandhi-murdered. Malcolm X-murdered. Reagan-wounded.

If I thought the Jews killed God, I'd worship the Jews.

"Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth." ... I found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say, "Lung Cancer."

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'

Sixteen years I've pounded my head against the mentality of America, which...I'd say it's about an 8th grade emotional level.

How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. 'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt.

It's my object to be stared at like a dog that's just been shown a card trick.

To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake.

People often ask me where I stand politically. It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

God has this...hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality.

Truly, the only stupid people I've ever met, the most absolutely clueless, are the very people that produce television.

I wish I could meet a Christian who would proselytize to me, but they keep running away from me. I wanna talk to you all.

Our next Cold War ought to be with ourselves...After all, who poses the biggest danger to the American environment? We do.

I was just down in Dallas, Texas...the Assassination Museum...it's really accurate, you know, 'cause Oswald's not in it.

It seems to me that there will be a point in out development or our evolution where you put your guns aside.

Rock stars against drugs--that's what we want, isn't it? Government-approved rock-n-roll? Woo! We're partying now!

I've had seven balls of light come off a UFO...explain to me telepathically we are all one and there's no such thing as death.

Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister.

I was always 'awake'...Some part of me clamoring for NEW insights and NEW ways to make the world a better place.

All day long you see those commercials: 'Here's Your Brain, Just Say No'...and the next commercial is: 'This Bud's For You.'

Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a coupla tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'.

My voice was not heard, the questions were not asked that I wanted to see asked.

I'm very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourself... Good evening!

...I just want to be free of the fears and anxieties and the superstitions of religion. An 'avenging GOD'? One who created Hell for those who don't believe? I thought we were the perfect and holy children of GOD? How could any limits possibly be put upon us? Hell.. really? I'm sorry, but... no. Wrong. You're wrong. That's an insane GOD and therefore not mine. Because, see, GOD would be very sane, don't you get it?

I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.

Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day.

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f-kin' mouth.