Top 268 Quotes & Sayings by Bill Hicks - Page 5

Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.

How many of y'all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots when those people were being pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death - step on the f***ing gas, man! They're on foot, you're in a truck - I think I see a way out of this.

You all saw him - he had a gun.

I've said all that I've had to say.

Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.

Let's do some comedy. I always like to add some comedy to my show. Those who've seen me before might know that.

I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York... Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum! Bye!

No one knows what it's like ... to be a dustbin ... in Shaftesbury ... with hooligans.

Right foot, left foot, hemorrhage.

How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs.

What are you reading for?

In Australia...they celebrate Easter the same...by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit...left chocolate eggs in the night

That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one.

And I'm not getting laid! What am I doing wrong?

So scary watching the news...Like Iraq...could ever under any stretch of the imagination be any threat to us whatsoever.

Will there be titty? Sure. Boom! I'm a producer. Where you been all our life, boy? We been lookin for you in Hollywood.

I was a weekend drinker...I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday...thought I was controlling it...but I don't drink any more.

'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style.

I don't know what you all believe, and I don't really care ... but you have to admit that beliefs are odd. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks ... you really think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross?

To me, Texas is Austin, a bunch of cool people trying to make a difference.

It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me...oxygen tent, iron lung.

Billy Ray Cyrus does not smoke. Michael Bolton doesn't...Paula Abdul doesn't...there does seem to be a pattern.

I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.

Oh--won't we party hard when L.A. goes kersplash?...L.A. fell in the ocean?... There is a God. He loves us all so much.

It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet.

Yesterday, some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftesbury.

It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes]