Top 742 Quotes & Sayings by Bill Maher

If you belonged to a political party or a social club that was tied to as much bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, violence, and sheer ignorance as religion is, you'd resign in protest.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.

It's all been satirized for your protection.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.

Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

Curious people are interesting people; I wonder why that is.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

Freedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that 'Oh, I don't get involved in politics,' as if that makes someone cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.

I never thought I'd say this: what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.

If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.

New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the Reverend Ted Haggard, was outed for drugs and extramarital gay sex with a male prostitute. Or as Fox News reported it, 'John Kerry hates our troops'.

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I Agree'.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark.

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

Trying to get today's Republicans to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have to feed them the truth wrapped in a piece of baloney, hold their snouts shut and stroke their throats. and even then, just when you think they've swallowed it, they spit it out on the linoleum.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

Like it or not, we're still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.

New rule: If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.

Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.

I find it ironic that Republicans have such disdain for the lazy, and yet their solution to every problem is do nothing. Their answer to wealth inequality, do nothing. Health care? Do nothing. Climate change? Nothing. Racism? Doesn’t exist. For a group of people so head over heels in love with self-reliance, they sure do recommend a lot of sitting on their ass.

At some point in the last 20 years, the left moved to the center, and the right moved into a mental institution.

When I hear from people that religion doesn't hurt anything, I say really? Well besides wars, the crusades, the inquisitions, 9-11, ethnic cleansing, the suppression of women, the suppression of homosexuals, fatwas, honor killings, suicide bombings, arranged marriages to minors, human sacrifice, burning witches, and systematic sex with children, I have a few little quibbles. And I forgot blowing up girl schools in Afghanistan.

Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on?

In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.