Top 742 Quotes & Sayings by Bill Maher - Page 3

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

When it comes to religion, we're not two sides of the same coin, and you don't get to put your unreason up on the same shelf with my reason. Your stuff has to go over there, on the shelf with Zeus and Thor and the Kraken, with the stuff that is not evidence-based, stuff that religious people never change their mind about, no matter what happens.

Ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you

We don't really have to make fun of religion - it makes fun of itself.

I think what's dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.

That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.

In Washington, the air quality today was described as 'red.'...You know what 'red' is? It's bad for everyone. Not just old people, sick people and babies. When it's just bad for old people, sick people and babies, that's called a Republican budget.

Sarah Palin finally heard what happened in Japan and she's demanding that we invade 'Tsunami.'

Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position.

Thanks [Donald] Trump for exposing evangelicals as 'shameless hypocrites'.

Please stop assuming that longevity and perfect health is always the correct option. No. Sometimes fun costs ya. It just does, you know? And that's OK, you're willing to make that purchase. Sammy Davis, Jr. was 64 when he died. Give me 64 Sammy-years, I'll be happy.

Republicans stand by their convictions. Stupid, ignorant, world-destroying convictions based on disproven economic fantasies and ancient books full of primitive morality and magic people. But convictions, nonetheless.

Karl Rove thinks we shouldn’t have Hillary Clinton in the White House because she fell and hit her head a couple years ago, spent three days in the hospital, and maybe she has brain damage. You know, I don’t recall the Republicans being this concerned with mental fitness during the years when Reagan was talking to house plants in the White House.

Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.

Reverend Ted Haggard's followers still think he's not gay. I'm not kidding. In their world, there are no gay people. There are just straight people who are sinning. They don't want to do it, but the Devil makes them! He targets people like Reverend Ted. That's how it happened. The Devil got hold of Reverend Ted, and Ted said, 'Get thee behind me, Satan! And put it in, gently'.

Death is nature's way of killing you.

Some people think I enjoy debate. I don't. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time.

In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show . . .

But I've often said that if I had – I have two dogs – if I had two retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet the dogs, which are pretty much the same thing. What? They're sweet. They're loving. They're kind, but they don't mentally advance at all. Dogs are like retarded children.

There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.

I don't believe in a lot of things from the Bronze Age, but an eye for an eye does make a sort of symmetrical sense to me. I really believe that if somebody takes a life, that [death penalty] is what they should get. I also think it's a lot more humane than keeping people in a cage for the rest of their life.

Down in Texas, Rick Perry announced he will not run for reelection. He said 'I executed one last woman, that fertilizer plant exploded, I returned abortions to back alleys where it belongs, my work here is done.' I think that's what he said, he was chewing a crayon.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

New Rule: Since our new national position on science is, "Screw it, we prefer witchcraft," let's not just retire the Space Shuttle Atlantis. Let's drive it to one of the five stupidest States and have the locals beat it with sticks. Putting it in a museum is too dangerous. Someone could steal it, fly it into space and notice we revolve around the sun.

The NRA made an ad saying that Obama is elitist because his kids have armed guards. Yeah, that crazy Obama thinking his kids need special protection. I love the NRA accusing anyone of being paranoid. It's like a septic tank saying, 'You need a mint.'

Only a Bush could answer a 'yes' or 'no' question two different ways and be wrong both times.

To those people who say, 'My father is alive because of animal experimentation,' I say, 'Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.' Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.

Talk to women who've ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.

North Carolina right now is going apeshit in a way no state ever has. Take every crazy, angry idea your drunk, right-wing uncle mumbles at Thanksgiving, turn it into a law, and that’s North Carolina today.

Attorney General John Ashcroft is in intensive care. He's suffering from a severe case of pancreatitis, which they can't really figure out because he's not really a drinker. They think he might have picked up some type of infection while wiping his ass with the Bill of Rights.

In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.

There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don't get a vote.

Unemployment is down, confidence is up, DOW 5,000 above Bush - or as Republicans put it, let's talk about gay people and abortion!

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

I'm for the death penalty, I'm pro-abortion, I'm pro-assisted suicide, I'm pro-regular suicide. Anything that'll get the traffic moving.

Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

Religion is insanity by consensus.

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.

During the Depression, or back when we were fighting Hitler, people didn't have time to sue a company if the coffee was too hot. There were urgent, pressing problems. If you think you have it tough, read history books.

Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.

Funny that all of Nixon's crimes - anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars - are all legal now. Discuss.

Guns aren't just a tool of last resort. They're awesome. That's why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren't just firearm enthusiasts — you're ammosexuals. And before you try and deny you have some sort of unnatural romantic relationship with your gun, consider this. You're taking it out to dinner! Because it completes you. Get a room.

Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.

Every election, roughly half the population votes Democrat and the other half votes Republican. Now, I understand why the Republicans get one percent of the vote - the richest one percent.That other percent, someone will have to explain to me.

It's so easy to demagogue the issue and make someone who speaks out against the internal-combustion engine sound like an insane communist, when the truth is that the internal-combustion engine is the biggest threat to my life in the next 25 years, in terms of what it's doing to our environment and how it's depleting the ozone layer and so forth.

America is like a dog. I'm sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can't actually explain issues to a dog.

Americans are gluttons. We shop with forklifts. We have a holiday where we stuff food into other food. Our strippers wrestle in Jell-O, where other countries have to use mud.

I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.

When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, 'I want to help you get teeth.' Why does that make me an a**hole?

Again, (America is) a stupid country with stupid people who don't pay attention.

You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking, what he secretly wants to change. Anger with Bush was based on what he actually did. What Bush was thinking didn't matter. Because he wasn't.

Mitt Romney was attacking Obama about our failing education system. He has a point. We are graduating millions of people in this country who are so lacking in basic analytical skills, they are considering voting for Mitt Romney.

Tea Party has now cost the Republicans 5 senate seats. My next donation is going to them.

Politicians will promise some pretty ridiculous things. They will promise a chicken in every pot. They'll promise that they'll keep Social Security solvent. They'll promise drugs for old people. They'll promise lots of stuff. But it doesn't come near the kind of promises that religion makes. The Mormons promise that if you're good while you're on Earth, you get to rule over your own planet in the afterlife. Now, there's an entitlement that goes a little bit beyond prescription drugs for old people.

You can't pray away global warming, and that's the difference between religious people and sane people.

In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.

Republicans are always saying we should privatize things like schools, prisons, social security - hey, how about we privatize privacy! Because if the government forbids gay men from tying the knot, what is their alternative? They can`t all marry Liza Minnelli.

Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he's a secret Republican.

I always compare marriage to communism. They're both institutions that don't conform to human nature, so you're going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.

When I do stand-up around the country, I often see people walk out. This is a show that they've purposely gone to, where my name is on the ticket, and it cost them $75 or something. So, you think, Wow, that means that they either didn't know very much about me when they bought their tickets or they're that offended by what I've said. I've been doing this a long time. Anybody who comes to one of my shows must sort of have an idea of where I'm coming from.