Top 229 Quotes & Sayings by Bo Burnham - Page 3

I like to inject a bit of production value and flair to comedy, or at least to my little corner of comedy.

I definitely like making music in the studio, but I never had it out to make a CD specifically.

For me, the only value a celebrity has, or any artist or actor or anything, is the things that they make, you know?

I don't want to monitor my audience too closely, as that can really drive you crazy.

I don't worship comedy; at the end of the day, I don't fall to the altar of comedy unquestioningly.

Nothing's true that I say, because I don't really want to say anything. I don't think my life's that cool, and I don't think my opinion's that valid. They're just silly jokes. Usually I just take a topic that isn't funny at all, like Shakespeare, and work backwards. I just try to find an unfunny subject.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.

How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

I never said I was funny, OK, so stop staring at me.

For fifteen cents a day you can feed an African, they eat pennies.

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

Do you guys like impressions? "Why?" That was Socrates.

I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.

I'd really love to make something that doesn't involve my stupid face.

No one entertains the thought that maybe God does not believe in you.

Love is all about... whistles.

I see young people being dismissed for supposedly wanting only "stupid" and "easy" material, or that they don't have an attention span longer than three minutes. I disagree with all those statements; I just think they aren't true. I'm saying that our generation wants stuff that is substantial and challenging, as well as thoughtful and endearing. Well, I don't know if I'm doing that, but I'm trying.

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

I don't like calling myself a "feminist" only because I don't think I've done anything active enough to call myself one. It'd be like calling myself a civil rights activist just because I'm not racist.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me.

I don't need anything as long as I have my family, friends, millions of dollars, unlimited pussy.

The classic comedian says there's nothing that's taboo; if you laugh at one thing you've got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

Is there anything better than pussy? Yeah, a really good book.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.

People do complain about the way I act on stage... They think on stage I act too arrogant, too self-obsessed, solecistic, self-contained, synonyms.

If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn't respect that.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

My persona on stage was always coming from a place of I know better than you and I'm going to be a little bit pretentious in your face with these sort of crass ideas.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.

And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

What's a pirate minus the ship? just a creative homeless guy

If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your life you were being laughed at.

I'm interested in taboos for certain reasons. They can dramatise things and they're scary, and they're important to think about. I'm also wary about the fact that if you don't proceed with caution and understand what you're doing, you understand these things are realities that you're dealing with, they're real things.

I'm happy with what I'm doing. I try not to focus on how I've changed. I just try to focus on what I'm doing now.

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you're on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don't want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That's always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing's going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

If I have enough money to support myself, I'll just give stuff away. I just, I want people to see it and I want to be able to do this for a living, you know what I mean? So it's just a balance. If I'm not doing well for five years, then I'm selling stuff, but if I'm doing well and I can afford to give stuff away, I'll always do that.

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist.

When life gets you down, make a comforter!