Top 158 Quotes & Sayings by Bob Saget - Page 2

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.

I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you. And I say, You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct. When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.

When you have a good time there is no time.

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.

My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry.

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

I have no plan except to take care of the people I love.

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

At the end of the day it's the end of the day.

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was No hugs! Full House was all based on hugs.

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person. Not a lot of people have done this. Stop It. This is why. You can cauterize your asshole shut, so when you fart it has nowhere to go and you can have a fart attack.

Full House was a show that was done for ten-year-olds. The critics hated it. They said terrible, terrible things about it. But it should have been reviewed by ten-year-olds. That's who it was made for. They loved it. And if they loved it, great. Why the hell does a fifty-year-old guy working at a big newspaper have to tell me I'm a piece of crap?

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

The secret to raising children is to love them... And teach them to operate in a way you can tolerate them the best.

When someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?

I'm psyched about what I can contribute that can be meaningful to myself and to others.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

I was on Entourage last week smoking a bong and making out with hookers and I did show them that before, cause it wasn't a hard 'r' cause a lot of people are watching that show that they know, not my little one - she's 12, but very sophisticated so it's an unusual case.

All I've ever done is try to entertain my way through a life that often has a huge amount of heaviness in it.

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

In the creative sense, I'm looking forward to collaborating with people I have mutual respect for to create some really good work.

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

The selfish and usually pointless approach is to try to get both done simultaneously - accomplish your work at hand while begging forgiveness of those close to you while you're basically working in front of them during what could've been specifically 'quality time.'

I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

If you're a host of a video show and you're on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, 'Well, that's what that person does.' That was the dilemma for me, career-wise.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

Oil is sixty dollars a barrel. There are terrorists everywhere. We have a catastrophe in our world every ten minutes. I don't know how anybody's getting through anything. Right now, people just need to be entertained.

As time goes on, the more I value doctors and plumbers. Doctors a little more. I can fix my own toilet but I still can't operate on myself.

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?