Top 358 Quotes & Sayings by Chris Rock - Page 2

I have no idea what my best material is. Different people like different things. I'll say this: The political stuff gets the press, but the relationship jokes sell all the seats.

The thing that surprised me the most is just how much money women that weren't rich were paying for their hair. When you're in a beauty parlor in Harlem next to abandoned buildings and somebody's paying five grand for a weave, that's a bit much.

I don't believe I can offend you in a comedy club. I don't believe I can offend you in a concert. A comedy club is a place where you work out material; you're trying material.

I love what's happened to me, but when I was a kid, I wanted to be the president of the United States.

I kind of keep my personality in my pocket a lot. When I start to do stand-up, that's not my true personality either. It's the personality of a guy who hasn't been able to say what he wanted to say.

Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

I used to hang out with grandfather all the time because he used to pick me up from school sometimes, or drive me to my mother's, so I'd be with my grandfather a lot. I used to watch him write his sermons.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

Anything I say about women, I try to make sure that at least five or six friends of mine are going through a similar situation. That way I'm not picking on my wife.

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

I can't cook, but I have a nice book of menus... and I can plate and set the table.

Sometimes people offer you plays, they offer you parts, but they only offer it because I'm famous.

If I find a comedy club where no one's camera works, I'll go.

Being with my kids is the best, most fun thing; it's a privilege.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack. That should be the name of my new DVD: 'Chris Rock: Slightly Above Hack'.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

When I started out in comedy, it was common knowledge that it took about 10 years to get good. And that was okay because it took you about 9 years to get on television.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.

I live way below my means.

Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.

Does having a wife and kids change your act? Yes, but only in the best way. It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids.

Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

We Americans commercialize everything. Look at what we did to Christmas. Christmas is Jesus' birthday. Now, I don't know Jesus, but from what I read he was the least materialistic person who ever walked the earth. No bling on Jesus. He kept a low profile and we turned his birthday into the most commercial day of the year. In fact we have a whole Jesus birthday season. And then at the end of it, we have the nerve to have an economist come on TV and say what a horrible Jesus birthday season we had.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies... a man's lie is, "I'm at Tony house, I was at Kenny house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

One of my daughters told me the other day, "Kevin Hart is funnier than you, Daddy." I told her, "Does Kevin Hart make you pancakes?"

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.

You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.

You know you're rich when you have to drive for a half hour to get to your house once you're on your property.

Men do not settle down. Men surrender.

When I hear people talk about juggling or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy because sacrifice infers that there was something better to do than the thing - than being with your children.

I learned pretty quickly that it's your WORK ETHIC that LEVELS THE PLAYING FIELD. Education helps, but I've met failures who have Ph.D.s. I believe the hardest worker is always going to win.

Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you. You got to lie to get somebody. You can’t get nobody looking like you look, acting like you act, sounding like you sound. When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative!

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense

I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself - people like to see that.

I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier.

If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education and birth control. Not the exact opposite.

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

See... Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about HER! It's all about her!

A lot of racism going on in the world right now. Who's more racist? Black people or white people? Black people. You know why? 'Cuz we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people.

Money is the best lotion in the world.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

When you meet somebody for the first time, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative.

I say everything's about company. A gourmet meal with an asshole is a horrible meal. A hot dog with an interesting person is an amazing meal.

Women can have all the evidence but they still want the confession.

If your work is so smart that only smart people get it, it's not that smart.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

There's math, and everything else is debatable!

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.