Top 69 Quotes & Sayings by Colin Mochrie

And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie.

Comedy is such a personal thing. Everybody can cry at the same thing, but it's a lot harder to get everyone to laugh at the same thing.

Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!

I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned.

Give me liberty or a bran muffin!

This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.

There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting.

We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out.

My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist!

Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?

Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.

When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage.

We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes.

Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.

My agent, Jeff Andrews, suggested I write a book. For some reason. he doesn't like it when I'm not doing anything.

Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had.

I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!

The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge.

I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work.

I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money.

Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.

We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second.

The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.

As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers.

I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine.

To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap.

The American audiences are more vocal and enthusiastic. British audiences tend to sit back a little more.

My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.

As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living.

I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs.

Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?

You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school.

I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people.

Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin!

There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky.

It all started with a badly timed bald joke!

Give me liberty! Or a bran muffin!

I have many favorite artists...Van Gough as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!

He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye, and had that sort of milky film over the other one, ya..ya know, ya know what I mean? But still he was my identical twin.

And if that isnt the truth, it would be a lie.

The comedy community is fairly supportive of human beings in general. There are some things you can teach with comedy that people can't learn by being hit over the head with facts. I think, as comedians, we're trying to change the world. It's slow, but sure.

What if hamsters fought in the American Revolution?

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

You know, if I don't make it when I go out there in that weather balloon into that thunder storm. I want, you to take your ear and give it to my wife.

When you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling 'em up in a carpet and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead!

Hi, well soon return you to the dyslexic production of Bitty Bitty Chang Chang.

I don't want to get all lefty, but if we took the defence budgets from around the world, we could end hunger everywhere. I would hope that all the world's leaders are thinking about poverty. Get to work. Do something. This is something that's going to be with us forever.

The Hills are alive with the sound of CRAP!

Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty has a great fall.

If Sting retires, would he have to change his name to Stung?

Did you know that..........'embargo' spelled backwards is 'o grab me

You don't sweat much for a fat girl.

For as long as I can remember, I've had memories.

I have so many evil plans, I'm just trying to find the one which would be best right now!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It's not like the sheep was underage.

Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.

I believe it was Shakespeare who said, 'All the world's a stage, and you are CRAP!'

NASA sends probe to Uranus, people everywhere giggle.

My mother on her death bed told me, 'Where the hell did that kangaroo come from!?' - it just popped out of nowhere and punched her in the head and caused a cerebral hemorrhage, so I thought I'd move to a country where there were no kangaroos!