Top 398 Quotes & Sayings by Craig Ferguson - Page 5

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia.

Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.

Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it.

The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.'

If you don't vote, you're a moron.

Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.

School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic—I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.

The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.

Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.

Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.

I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.

My son's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are. I dont know so I make stuff up: That son is a thesaurus.

The 'Star Wars' movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they're not Sony.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there's a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading my email.

If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that.

Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She's going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is.

People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.

The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.

I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

You should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor.

Great, as long as you're happy

That's the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.

Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is King.

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.

The Smurfs 2 is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They're like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.

These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.

I became a terrible drunk or alcoholic - or a good one depending on your point of view.

Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran.

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

Being the executive producer of a film is not that difficult. It just means that you have some power. There's not a huge amount of skill involved, I don't know how much I'm giving away here. I feel like that guy on Fox, giving away the magicians' tricks. It's not rocket science, being an executive producer of a film.

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night!

President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.

I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was strudel.

Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.

Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

I'm hooked on email. That's right, kids, I'm one of you.

Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married.