Top 260 Quotes & Sayings by Dana Gould

Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

Did you know that Dog Heaven and Cat Hell were the same place?

Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

I wanted to be a comedian. I wanted to meet waitresses and felt that being a comedian was my best way to go about it and I was right.

Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

There's a big difference between poll workers and pole workers. Sadly.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

Competition is the death of art.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's still not working.

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.