Top 260 Quotes & Sayings by Dana Gould - Page 2

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Why do old people drive with their mouths open?

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

Egg nog. Because nothing satisfies like a cold glass of eggs.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry, and Don't scream.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

Being funny is not the same as being happy.

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department in their hometown and driving around said high school as the decades slip past.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.

There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.

As hipster chicks age, and their skin starts to sag, tramp stamps sink below waistbands, like the sun slipping into the sea.

There must be a way to get more of these in me faster, thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, whew!

The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you know I'm fake, right?

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.