Top 260 Quotes & Sayings by Dana Gould - Page 3

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

New synonyms for sex: Going to a family function, getting the hard part over with, anti-fillet. Get it? Sex!

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live.

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it was fun to dance at parties.

I'm of the generation of kids where the G.I. Joe's developed Kung Fu Grip right around the same time I did.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?

There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

I don't really like myself, but I'm way into me, physically.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart.

Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend.

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas?

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.

What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.

Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.

One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs.