Top 260 Quotes & Sayings by Dana Gould - Page 4

Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.

In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging.

If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three or four children.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.

My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: The Ladies.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear it?

When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

The average permanent lasts about four months.

Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want to be a ventriloquist.

If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are The Beatles of music, not counting The Beatles. John Lennon is The Beatles of The Beatles.

Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description.

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.

I take the Bible literally, but not seriously.

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

I'll never be alone, because I'll always have My Problems with me!

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

How come, when people wear half shirts, it's always the top half?

Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.

The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Death's vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.