Top 260 Quotes & Sayings by Dana Gould - Page 5

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.

I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get in free.

People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

You have an obligation to challenge your fans and your viewers.

You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.

When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be a good performer. You can't be a good comedian, because you don't know who you are, you don't know what you're saying. Stand-up is nothing but an expression of self-awareness. It wasn't until I was 23, 24 that I got to have a handle on a perspective on life, where I became decent. And I was just a terribly socially awkward younger person.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

Had an audition for a pilot today, but realized I could save gas and help the environment by pissing up a rope here at home!

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.