Top 236 Quotes & Sayings by Dane Cook - Page 3

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.

My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked but because I could control the weather I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated.

Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.

Comedy crowds - we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over - 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause - she's not clapping!

Are there glass shards in my anus?!

My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.

I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.

I would love to have acidy spit.

Pain only hurts when you are looking for a reason to quit. You don't feel a thing when you know you can still win.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

I've lived (in LA) for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore.

It really drives me banana sangwich.

When you swear to God, its true ... right now God is watching and saying, this is true.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

When you hand someone a camera, why do they act like you just asked them to dissemble a bomb? They take it and they're like, 'What do I do ... I don't really ... ha-huh ...' Yeah, it's the button on the top right where it always is since the beginning of #*@! time!

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.

I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering.

When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

I'm not racist, I've got a black president.

I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.

I say God bless you... I don't say bless you... I'm not the Lord. I can't do that...

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. Pppptthhh! Cause no one wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's very rude, I'd be like, You know what? Pppptthhh! Enjoy your spaghetti, you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, cause you're rude. Pppptthhh!

What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance.

When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.