Top 236 Quotes & Sayings by Dane Cook - Page 4

Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.

I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.

On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.

There's estrogen running through my veins!

Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.

I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.

If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. Theyre very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

It's not for any purpose such as religion, health, or things like that, I just never felt I had the need or want to drink or do drugs.

I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

Because of what I experienced when I was a kid, I want kids to have that kind of an epiphany moment, that little jolt, that little spark that they see when Dusty ['Planes'] flies higher than he has before. That scene where he flies straight up, and he's starting to get dizzy, and then finally it comes together. We forget as adults. We get jaded and we think that's kids' stuff, but for a kid who doesn't know about anything technical or how a movie is made, they're just going to see this and hear this beautiful score and see this dynamic, fantastical thing happening in front of them.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

If you think your demeanor is mellow or not particularly charismatic, the material can life you higher. So write everyday, and get onstage or in a coffee shop where they are doing open mice, anywhere you can perform even if that means starting your own open mic night - and be your own self.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

After you have loss in your life and after you experience something like losing your parents, the greatest gift of that was it prepared me for [anything]. Nothing else is as scary, and certainly stand-up comedy is not as scary as sitting there with your mom and having to have last conversations and things like that. It's heavy stuff, but it's enlightening because it makes me think I shouldn't be afraid of sharing ideas and thoughts with people. It's the yin and the yang of life.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

You can't teach an old hater new truths.

I want to be able to challenge myself. And do things that are away from what I usually do. Stand-up is safe for me. I can do stand-up in front of twenty-five thousand people, and I'm like, "I know how to do this. This is what I do." I want to be a little scared.

I just get excited doing shows. Off stage I am actually very feeble and must be spoon-fed because my hands are too brittle.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.

I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.

If a kid is really interested in wanting to have a career in aviation, he's actually learning and getting some of the [basics], not even just fringe. There are things in here that movie [Planes] about like the pulp of an engine, and it's the actual engine, the actual parts and pieces. So I felt like I got schooled as well. I learned a lot just being in there and doing that.

The key to attempting to create art in some aspect is also knowing that it will turn some people off.

If my voice can resonate that way with kids, maybe it will resonate through 'Planes' as well, and they'll hear that little something that I'm giving to them, a performance that says to them, "I want to try." It's all interconnected. I don't think it's thinking too deeply about it.

You can't become tempted if you just give in a little quicker.

Onstage, it's all just a heightened and more elaborate version of me. When you're standing onstage, your adrenaline is going, your enthusiasm is at full tilt, and the excitement helps elevate you're attitude. I've always wanted to be as close to myself offstage, being funny with my buddies, and that's what I've worked hard on - being authentic to who I really am.

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

True love is when you're cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

I don't like people that litter. If you don't throw a wrapper in the trashcan and you just toss it out on the ground I wanna take you and toss you into outer space.

I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it's still a negative. You're just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

There was a girl I loved in high school - but never spoke to. Cut to my five-year reunion: I'm an entirely different person.

Comedy is immediate. Comedy is a solo mission. You're all by yourself, up there. And when you're in a film, on a set, it's a collaborative effort. It's about me being a tool for somebody else to create a story and a character from nothing, from their imagination.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful shits.

If you lie to a person at least tell someone else you've lied to the truth. It balances out your karma.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

There were times, earlier in my career, where I didn't have the wherewithal to self-edit, and I probably said things and pushed the limits to places where people might be put off. But that's truly part of developing as an artist.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

You have to have a strong sense of humor to date me, and also know that you're probably going to be a part of the routine quite a bit.

My advice is: to try and stay really true to the things that make YOU laugh, as opposed to trying to create a character that you think is funny. Some comedians get into bad habits when they are trying to create something that is not them, and they are trying to write a voice that isn't their true voice.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

Why do bad guys in movies always love to whistle really slowly?

A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.

My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.

I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

Even when I go to a salad bar, I need to feel like I'm one of the first people there.

I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.

Any guy that refers to dating women as the hunt or being on the prowl should be evaluated for a number of conditions.

You have to realize, when you're a comedian, that you have to have a thick skin. And trust me, being onstage in front of people is already difficult enough. Somebody's personal attack in an email is not as hard as getting onstage.