Top 200 Quotes & Sayings by Daniel Tosh - Page 2

Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Describe your perfect man who looks like me.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

My father wanted me to have all the educational opportunities he never had... so he sent me to a girls school.

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can't force you to give it back.

I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

Comedy Central wanted to do a show with me, I had a couple failures under my belt with them already, but they still wanted to try something else. They came to me and said they wanted to do something that was internet focused and created original content on their site, so they could compete with the funny or dies and what not. So that was the premise, and they gave us a small amount of money, $5000, and from there it turned into the show.

I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

Every year on my birthday I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. You can't tell me that's not going to be a beautiful work of art when it's finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can't figure it out. They're like, 'What are these things?' I'm like, 'It's your future, read the chart.' They don't stop growing; they're like earlobes. That joke was inspired by a door that wasn't locked when I was 11.

High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

Big can be beautiful - just not to me. I find you disgusting; freshmen 15 is not a life sentence.

I’m a Bad Test Taker…you mean you’re stupid?

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

If Canada were really that great, it would be a state.

How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

I like my women like I like my coffee . . . I don’t like coffee.

I don't believe space exists. You're not gonna put a camera on a roomba, stick it in the desert, and tell me it's Mars.

If you snort enough blow, any lane is a passing lane.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can't function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

The only advice I have for youth is to date outside your race. I just think it's so cute when I see little kids in interracial relationships; it makes me feel like I'm watching a commercial.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.