Top 251 Quotes & Sayings by Darynda Jones

I love language, words, and all the lovely, exciting, and heart wrenching things you can do with them. Pick the right ones, put them in the right order, and you’ve created a moment in time where the reader forgets about the late car payment, the dirty dishes, the impending workweek. You have created a state of bliss. Or negligence, depending on your perspective.

I strode toward Mr. Coffee with lust in my eyes. We'd had a thing for quite some time now Mr. Coffee and I.

If I was going to go out tonight, I was going to go out fighting. Or screaming in agony. Either way.

If life hands you lemons,keep them. Because, hey, free lemons.-T-Shirt

It isn’t the fall that will kill you, but the sudden stop.

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.--T-SHIRT

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt

I meant to behave. There were just too many other options.--T-SHIRT

I know karate, and like two other Japanese words - T-SHIRT

SOME GIRLS WEAR PRADA. SOME GIRLS WEAR GLOCK 17 SHORT RECOIL SPRING-LOADED SEMIAUTOMATIC PISTOLS WITH A LOADED CHAMBER INDICATOR AND A NONSLIP GRIP. - T-SHIRT

Writing is transcendental. It is a form of expression, a form of art that you can take anywhere. That you can do anywhere. It poses the deepest questions in the universe. It generates emotion. It elicits empathy, promotes learning, creates an intellect you simply cannot get from any other medium. For me, it is air.

Do not disturb. Already there.

That’s the thing about things. They tend to happen.

guys have feelings too. But like...who cares? -Inspirational poster

Somebody has to be sane during regular business hours, and it's not going to be me, missy.

Death comes to those who wait. And to those who don't. So either way.

Life is not about finding yourself. It's mostly about chocolate. T-Shirt

You can't fix stupid, but you can numb it was a 2 by 4.--T-SHIRT

Whatever makes your balloon red, Swopes.

I chose the road less traveled. Now I'm lost.

If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

But have you ever seen one?....They shook their heads. "Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage - " Man, she liked that Bible. I'd read it and could definitely understand it's appeal, but I didn't have time for this.

I totally should've gone to Hogwarts when I had the chance.

Don't judge me because I'm quiet. No one plans a murder out loud.

This is one Fruit Loop beyond certifiable.

I went down like a drunken cowgirl trying to line dance to Metallica.

Who knew that all this time the nectar of the Gods was in my va-jay-jay.

It is sexy in here or is it just me?

Reyes Farrow. Because perfection is a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

I had a soft spot for crazy people.

Your existence gives me a headache. Go stand over there.

My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up. - Charley Davidson

Genius has its limitations. Insanity...not so much" -Bumper Sticker

We're like the Three Musketeers, searching for truth and justice and the American way.: Glitch snorted. "More like the Three Blind Mice, stumbling around trying to find a hunk of cheese in the dark.

.. an emergency stash of Thin Mints. Frickin' Girl Scouts. Those things were way to addictive. They had to be laced with crack." Charlie Davidson Fourth Grave Beneath my Feet

Hello?" I said, because Charley's House of Pasties seemed wrong.

Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.

If you must eat a banana in public, never make eye contact.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this way, but your mother and I are separating." When I pressed my mouth together, he corrected, "Stepmother. We're just - We're going in different directions." "I don't know what to say, Dad. 'Hurray' just seems wrong.

Surely my macking on some guy in an insane asylum wouldn't hurt him. He'd been living with his stalker, for heaven's sake.

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.

I may as well cut my losses and make a hasty exit while I still had enough self-esteem to walk upright. Crawling was so demoralizing

Looks like macho boy's cool just melted like a Slush Puppie in August.

What do you want?" "You," he said, his voice lowering an octave. "I want you, Dutch, body and soul. I want you in my bed every night. I want you there when I wake up in the morning. I want your clothes strung across my apartment and your scent on my skin.

An integral part of any best friend's job is to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

I lowered the gun but didn’t holster it. Not just yet. She could turn out to be psychotic. Or a door-to-door salesperson.

How would you like your eggs?" I tried. I really did. But I glanced at his crotch and it came out anyway. "Fertilized?

I'd have a longer attention span if there weren't so many shiny things.

He's an enigma wrapped up in sensuality padlocked with a dozen chains of desire and topped off with a razor-sharp ribbon of danger. There are more layers to him than a billionaire's wedding cake.

Never knock on death's door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that. - T-shirt

Let me express how much I don't care on a scale of one to bite me," the former detective said.

A Nuns Life: Chastity, poverty, and obedience. Wait, chastity?" BUMPER STICKER

I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.

I stop fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now. T-shirt

after an epic search, I finally found something neither green nor fuzzy. It was a hot sausage link. I named it Peter, mostly because it seemed like the right thing to do. As soon as my java was piping hot I popped him into the microwave. hopefully the radioactive environment would sterilize Peter. No need to have little Peters running around, wreaking havoc.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

Chocolate and coffee ? Together ? Whoever came up with that combination should have won a Nobel Peace Prize. Or at least a subscription to Reader's Digest.

I brought out the most powerful tool I had in my arsenal. "If you resist," I said into Reyes's ear, "I'll be forced to Taser you." He looked at what I had in my hand. "That's a phone." "I have an app. You'll probably experience nerve damage. Slight memory loss.

I often question my sanity. Occasionally, it replies.

Still, this whole grim reaper thing should have come with a manual. Or a diagram of some kind. A flowchart would have been nice.