Top 817 Quotes & Sayings by Dave Barry
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American journalist Dave Barry.
Last updated on September 15, 2024.
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
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