Top 817 Quotes & Sayings by Dave Barry - Page 2

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

I argue very well. Just ask any of my remaining friends.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you'll never see a cat display any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several cats were seen in Dallas on the grassy knoll area, not that I wish to start rumors.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.

The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are.

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong.

As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.