Top 127 Quotes & Sayings by David Cross

There were a number of referendums in '98 that most of the things I voted for passed. That's very satisfying when you feel that most of the country is in step with your views.

I think I'd be a really good dad. So perhaps I'm doing society a disservice by not having as many kids as possible.

My biggest problem is retaining the exact information.

I think people, for the most part, actually want what they think is best.

I'm of the mindset that most people who have kids are, which is, 'Hey, I want another me. I like me. I'm pretty cool, and I've got really great ideas, and the way I think is the right way to think. Let's put another one of me out there.' So I'll have kids one day.

I'd be curious to find out, but I don't think people in the entertainment industry are proportionally more or less serious politically than anyone in the landscaping industry.

Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.

You can't just yell jokes at people.

In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.

If there are a couple of adjectives people use to describe me, anger is usually in there. I've never taken that as criticism. It's the way I naturally communicate. But I'm not faux-angry, like Lewis Black, or angry like a gun-toting crazy person. I'm just angry in a mild way - it's not like I'm going to do anything about it.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

Religion triggers a lot of emotions in me, most of which stem from being raised Jewish in a very Baptist community in the South. I didn't believe any of it from an early age - the clubby quality of whatever religion or church you belonged to, Judaism included. It just struck me as foolish.

The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.

Where my comedy really solidified was when Bush was elected. I couldn't understand how craven and crass he was, and how dumb other people were for electing him.

I was heavily influenced by Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright.

I remember being a kid and the Vietnam War was huge and looking at Watergate.

I have no hesitation doing children's movies. Zero. And I don't even have kids.

Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.

I don't think HBO would want to do anything in conjunction with Sub Pop but I never asked either.

It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny.

I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

I love Tinkle, it's really the most fun I've had in years.

I'm pretty happy. I obviously have complaints about things, but for the most part, I'm on the above-average side of happy people.

We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.

I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.

I'll think of the idea and then I'll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.

Originally they wanted me to be Buster but I really like the Tobias part.

As for Tenacious D, of course it could work as a full length movie; all it requires is a great writer and great director with an ability to think outside of conventional film comedy.

I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.

And it's one more shitty thing to write about somebody, in between getting really, really, really upset at female Ghostbusters and Gamergate, and the things that really matter.

I am truly passionate and concerned about the lack of empathy that people show towards one another.

I do not want to encourage heckling and outbreaks at all.

Hopefully people will be reinventing comedy forever and ever. This is just what I do, and it's a type of comedy.

You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy.

It's a lot of anti-gay, racist humor—which people like in America—all couched in 'I'm telling it like it is.' He's in the right place at the right time for that gee-shucks, proud-to-be-a-redneck, I'm-just-a-straight-shooter-multimillionaire-in-cutoff-flannel-selling-ring-tones act. That's where we are as a nation now. We're in a state of vague American values and anti-intellectual pride.

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

That's what social media is, that's what Twitter is, that's what Facebook posts are. It's just really anti-intellectual.

I'd like to think that I'm not just making the point that I'm an atheist over and over, but that I explore different facets of religion. There's no way of bringing up religion without sounding like an asshole.

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

I'm concerned about organized religion getting away with what it gets away with.

I was in Antwerp - which, I had about 20 shows left at that point - and a guy said, "That's Dave Attell's." Also, Antwerp was my smallest audience, so the guy was right there. I was like, "What?" He said, "Dave Attell does a bit about, 'Why are there luggage stores in the airport?'" I had never seen that, and I would never ever, ever, ever - please believe me - I would never lift material from somebody ever, and certainly not knowingly.

I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative

I'm very vocal about my belief that all religion is garbage. Most of my friends are religious or at least spiritual. These are people I like and I know are intelligent. It's this thing that I carry around. I know I'd be a better person if I was fairer, but it's at the core of who I am and what I believe.

I'm concerned about how and why there is no gun control.

I'm a professional comic. Whether you think I'm funny or not, that's, again, subjective.

I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are.

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one of the funniest shows on TV and I was a little intimidated working with those guys 'cause you're in a sound booth by yourself and they're all in a room in Atlanta.

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.

I stand by everything I said. I absolutely can defend my material, and I take issue with people who say, "It's just shock value. It's not even funny." I disagree. There's different ways to be funny and to be a comedian.

I know Dave [Attel] and we're friendly, and I have nothing but respect for him.

High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.

Back when the Bible was written, then edited, then rewritten, then rewritten, then re-edited, then translated from dead languages, then re-translated, then edited, then rewritten, then given to kings for them to take their favorite parts, then rewritten, then re-rewritten, then translated again, then given to the pope for him to approve, then rewritten, then edited again, the re-re-re-re-rewritten again...all based on stories that were told orally 30 to 90 years AFTER they happened.. to people who didnt know how to write... so...

We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.