Top 127 Quotes & Sayings by David Cross - Page 2

There is also a kind of mean-spiritedness with LA comics.

Go back and read Sinclair Lewis - It Can't Happen Here or Babbitt. For a guy or girl who's going to do an hour of political comedy, it might be a little rough, sure. But I think if you're spending 10 minutes or less, and you're talking about - not necessarily [Donald Trump] but his supporters and the media coverage, there's all kinds of angles to explore. It doesn't just have to be simply, "This guy is crazy!" It's more about the idea of that kind of guy rising to the prominence he has, to actually become the Republican candidate.

Florida was the low point.The entire state, yep. I'm not sure I'd go back.

I think the policies, for the most part, that [Hillary Clinton] will put in place are not going to make positive changes. There'll be more status quo. She'll certainly be good for some groups of people. Whatever.

What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

In my political philosophy - which is definitely more socialist Democrat than centrist politician like Hillary Clinton - I think regulation for banks and those platforms that Bernie Sanders had are good for the whole of America.

I'm not going to benefit from free college education, but I think all those things are good for the country.

I've had plenty of negative reviews. I have my entire life.

I don't want to do 20 minutes on Donald Trump. I want to do 10 minutes and move on. I wouldn't even do that with a live show, because I don't want it to feel like "An Evening Of Political Comedy."

I just did 101 shows in 86 different cities in America and Europe and Canada, and I'm not lying or exaggerating when I say, at the vast majority of shows, they loved it. There were encores, there were standing ovations.

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.

I grew up in that minority. I grew up in the South, in Roswell, Georgia, and it was heavily white, Baptist, conservative. And the idea that somebody would come there and say those things that I said created an atmosphere where some people would walk out, and suddenly they weren't in the minority. For an hour and a half, they were the majority. So I would argue that it does need to be said.

You have to have some level of attachment, you can still have passion and believe but it has to be softened somewhat.

I still think that, hopefully, you're not ahead of the jokes, and I think that has value. There is a punchline and it's pointed - and, again, whether you think it's funny or not, that's subjective.

I would say just stop watching me, I guess, at this point. That is what I do, and it probably is, in some way, a bit of a lecture. I can see how that's not something that would be enticing for you to watch in a stand-up hour.

I'd say 95 percent of my audience was white. They were mostly kind of older hipster folks like myself.

What happened to our friendship? I really think it's our obligation as friends to be brutally honest and be frank with them and say, 'Look, I'm sorry, but your baby is fking boring.'

I did one of the worst shows for that kind of thing in Northampton, Massachusetts, which is one of the most liberal spots on the planet. There were numerous people who walked out, somebody had thrown a beer, I had people yelling and screaming.

There's the disingenuous duplicitousness, but you can apply that to every politician, really.

I know this is obviously biased as well, but in my Twitter feed, on my Facebook, 90 percent are gushing, glowing, "Thank you for doing that" - type of reviews. "It's ballsy, it's honest, it's hilarious" - that kind of stuff. Obviously those are fans.

I'm finally going to be able to finally criticize [Hillary Clinton] without being accused of being a sexist - that idea. I'm not a fan, I don't like her, but you can't say anything without being accused of being a sexist pig, which is unfair.

I've gotten "condescending" a million times, and that's not good.

I think it was there before, but - because of social media, too - there are these people who fancy themselves as tolerant, and don't see the hypocrisy and double standard of how they're not tolerant at all, and they're just strident and they don't listen. There's no dialogue anymore. That's maybe, truly, the worst part of Trump's legacy is just people yelling at each other.

Maybe if you live in Brooklyn, you don't need to hear that? But please, trust me, in most of America, they do need to hear it. And they're quite thankful that somebody came out and did it. For an hour and a half in that theater, for once, they're in the majority.

I'm directing the Sky show. I'm not going to be in it. I'm just writing and directing it. So that'll satisfy that part of my brain.

[If Donald Trump does get elected, I will be] probably Secretary Of Reeducation. Or I don't know. I'll probably end up working in the cafeteria.

There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.

I was born Jewish, but I am an atheist. I dont believe in God.

You have to get the second season by acquiescing to a third season.

The underpinning of immigration concerns is xenophobia and racism and nationalism.

There were a handful of shows that were just painful. Not many, but things where I just said going into it, "Why am I here? What am I doing?"

When we were on the bus doing the Mr. Show Hooray for America Tour there was a lot of laughter and a lot of pot smoking and a lot of speed metal listening and video game playing. Of course that was all Brian Posehn.

[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.

I'm not a centrist, and there's nothing about me that's centrist. I never have been.

I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous.

I think for a lot of people, it's just where their saturation point was. Once you get into the [Donald] Trump stuff and the Republican stuff and the Ayn Rand followers, it doesn't let up for about half an hour. It gets hard and stays hard for a while.

Most people who have kids are, "Hey, I want another me. I like me. I'm pretty cool, and I've got really great ideas, and the way I think is the right way to think. Let's put another one of me out there.

I've never written jokes. I mean, I'll write things on a piece of paper and riff on them onstage.

I think pornography is the only art form where you can be videotaped on a shaky handy cam sucking off a horse and be considered a star.

It's just an easy catchall to describe a style because there are a lot of alternative comics who are completely different from each other.

I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at.

If you want to reinstate the 14.4 billion dollars that Bush cut out of the veterans program then vote democrat.

If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.

I don't think of my opponents in the sense that I don't think of them consciously, I don't steer it one way or the other.

Because I think whenever you sit down with another human being who would absolutely disagree with you on every issue, you learn about them as a person and you relate, in human terms, and it's much more difficult for either side to dismiss out of hand, like that person's a freak, that person's a Nazi.

Hopefully people are upset for the reason I want them to be upset. Even when I was doing open mics, I've always had people upset. I've never been the consummate crowd-pleaser.

As far as just my stand-up is concerned, I don't care about changing anyone's mind. I'm not making an argument. I'm a guy doing comedy.

I read the New York Times, and if I'm in a different city, I'll skim that paper.

James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.

I do lots of other drugs but I smoke pot maybe 5-10 times a year now. I used to smoke it all the time, but I don't, and I haven't for awhile. That's just because it makes me - and I'm not saying this about everybody else - but it makes me kind of dumb and self-conscious.

I think I could have a funnier, more economic sets. But that's the comedy I do. And I understand if people aren't interested in it and would rather listen to someone else. But I'll never understand the anger people have toward me.

Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.

If people disagree with me and want to articulate it, that's not only their right but almost their obligation.

It's easy to see that two people might come up with that same idea.

I've never thought of myself as a hoity-toity cultural critic.

Once you get into the [Donald] Trump stuff, you get people going, "I didn't come here to have my political views bashed."

I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.

It probably does make it more difficult to enjoy a good laugh at someone who's onstage, seemingly yelling at you. But I'm not yelling at the audience, I'm yelling at the world. It genuinely sucks if people are taking it that way. But I'm not talking to individuals.

It's not that I don't have kids for some personal reason outside of, I just haven't had kids. And I haven't met someone who wanted to, as far as I know. And perhaps I'm attracted to women who aren't ready to make that commitment just yet.