Top 611 Quotes & Sayings by David Letterman - Page 9

They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one.

Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.

There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers.

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man - he already has all of his sex scandals behind him.

Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.

The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds - kind of like his stint in the National Guard.

Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was a suicide.

Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.

John Kerry went duck hunting and he's doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts.

Sarah Palin had a big op-ed piece in the Wall Street Journal, and she said she's against death panels. And I thought, 'Really? She's the one who pulled the plug on the McCain campaign.'

It is cold down in Washington, DC. They had to use an ice scraper on John Boehner's face to get the tears off, it was so cold.

I like my cinema gritty, I like my eggs gritty.

Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie.

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.

New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.

Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056.

Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID.

Let me just say this: You know your campaign is not going well when you open a press conference by saying, 'I told you there would be more lewd photos'.

Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: 'A complex world demands complex hair.'

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration - going back and forth - finally immigration came in and hauled them both away.

This isn't brain surgery; it's just television.

President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound.

Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern.

An old interview of Arnold Schwartzenegger has surfaced where he admits to smoking a lot of pot and having sex with hookers. Finally a Republican all Californians can get behind.

Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the next governor of California. He is so confident he has already chosen a body oil for the inauguration.

One day you're the leader of Iraq, the next day you're being checked for fleas on Fox News.

The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It's being called 'Operation Approval Ratings.'

Obama said they've had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God's sake!

Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich.

Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.

When I became a Sigma Chi it was great, because they were the pople I enjoyed being with and I was very proud of the association. It was kind of an instant confidence builder for me--that what I considered the best fraternity on campus had actually wanted me. And I had always been very shy and without a lot of confidence. So it was a really good social experience and for me it was also a social maturation. It was a great benefit.

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called ' Irony.gov. '

Quiet down, we don't want to wake the Russians.

I heard doctors revived a man who had been dead for 4-1/2 minutes. When they asked him what it was like being dead, he said it was like listening to Yankees announcer Phil Rizzuto during a rain delay.

My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.

Sarah Palin's book is big, 400 pages. She wrote the book herself and agonized over every word, and so will you.

A small handgun makes any TV remote control.

John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33 and then he'll be ready to go.

When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'

Are you excited about the recall election? Arnold's campaign has a new slogan: 'Win one for the groper.'

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

Finally we got some good news about the economy. Barack Obama got $800 billion to rescue the economy. All I can say is, 'Thank you, Oprah.'

Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it?

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!

President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO's of BMW and Volkswagen.

Tip to out-of-town visitors. If you buy something here in New York and you want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address.

The Mars Polar Lander has been quieter than George W. Bush after a foreign policy question.

President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out of Iraq. And now we're back. But this time there is an exit strategy. Barack Obama has an exit strategy. In 2016, he's gone.

Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice fell off his mother.

There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor Chris Christie wants to build a gravy pipeline.

If I can be serious now, and I have the feeling I can.

This warning from the New York City Department of Health Fraud: Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?'

You know who's upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It's because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.

Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go.