Top 502 Quotes & Sayings by Demetri Martin - Page 2

Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.

Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn't progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.

I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.

It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.

It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it's like, 'Okay. That's your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that's good.' Hopefully it balances out.

I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.

To me, comedy is a game.

And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.

I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up.

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

I wonder how they deal with mice at Disney World.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I'm not doing that again until I'm a black belt. Because I can tell you there's a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

People only mention it's a free country if they're doing something shitty.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, Hey, can you keep a secret? I say That's none of your business.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?

When I look up at the clouds I see so many animals, mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today." They say, "That wasn't racist at all." I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist. You never listen. Typical Mexican."

I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.

I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?'

It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.

'Dammit I'm mad' is 'Dammit I'm mad' spelled backwards.

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

When I stub my toe it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find.

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton".

Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, 'I'm not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.' We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, slow down, stop it, interesting, American.

My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I'm flattered.

If you really think about it, hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn't even make sense. It's like saying, 'I hate getting up in the morning-so I do it over... and over... and over again.'

I need to develop some patience - immediately.