Top 502 Quotes & Sayings by Demetri Martin - Page 3

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."

If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.

To remove all credibility from what you're saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

Someday I will tell my grandchildren that I lived in the era when OK was abbreviated to K.

A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die.

Cottonballs are an example of something I'd want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

Overheard today in restaurant: Can you stop listening to our conversation?

Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.

If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.

They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!

I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.

The definition of adventure depends upon how boring your life is.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman.

The sofa is the enemy of productivity.

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

I can always tell how stupid someone is by how certain they are about what they're saying.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said made from natural and artificial flavors. You could just say flavors.

When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.