Top 502 Quotes & Sayings by Demetri Martin - Page 4

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of me.

Have a great day. Note: does not apply to my enemies.

I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.

I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

When someone shows you a picture of their kids what they don't want to hear is Oh, yeah, I got pictures of your kid too.

I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.

It is impossible for a cyclops to wink.

Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives communion.

Most stick people are black.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.

You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I was on the train the other day, and I heard somebody say, I'm really good at checkers. That's the same thing as saying, I'm not good at very many things.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don't have to hold things when I sleep.

I saw a dog wearing a sweater and I thought that looked ridiculous 'cause dogs don't have arms. If you're going to put clothes on the dog, you should put two pairs of pants on it.

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Palindromes are the number one conversation stopper, like party killer, I think I've ever seen.

A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it.

I think the best thing about being dumb is that it makes magic a lot better. Where the hell did that rat come from? I dunno, but I'm calling the cops because he just cut that lady in half.

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live."

My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, 'Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I'm pretty sure I swam with most of them.'

I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think I was just procrastinating, like, once I have the right nib, the book is just going to jump right out of my fingertips... but then it just ended up looking like the shitty drawings that I usually do.

I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay.

Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right.

I wanna see a snake eat spaghetti.

I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

It turns out dentists don't like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

I'm not a lawmaker, but I was thinking that if you have a really loud ring tone, maybe you should be stabbed in the ear?

It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep.

Whenever I try to spell 'banana,' I feel stupid because I don't know when to end it.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.

A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

There's a saying that goes, 'People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.' OK. How about, 'Nobody should throw stones'? That's crappy behavior. My policy is, 'No stone throwing regardless of housing situation.

Timing is everything. That's a cliche. Now. If I'd said that a long time ago, I'd have been original.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed