Top 502 Quotes & Sayings by Demetri Martin - Page 5

Cotton candy is the perfect snack for when I'm in the mood to eat dry, scratchy fabric.

The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Popcorn is one of the only situations in which you eat the result of an explosion.

A straw enables you to drink without using your wrist. A straw is your friend - until you lose eye contact with the straw. Then it will betray you and make you look like an idiot.

I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

As soon as I jumped out of the airplane, I realized I had forgotten my parachute. Thank God we were still on the runway.

I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard I tried. Success! Hypothesis confirmed.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".

Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.

I don't want to be my own boss. I want to be my own colleague.

I believe in empathy. When religion provides that for people, it's the best thing in the world.

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably.

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.

A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you

A lifevest protects you from drowning and a bulletproof vest protects you from getting shot, and a sweater vest protects you from pretty girls.

I'm afraid of sharks - but only in a water situation.

Sometimes it looks like I'm dancing, but it's just that I walked into a spider web.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun.

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

I think bears and worms aren't very similar... until you think of gummy.

It would be interesting if Elvis were reincarnated as an Elvis impersonator.

Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That's cool when it's on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you're left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn't have a job... Sweet, that's a catch.

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

The earth without art is just eh.

There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, 'That makes sense.'

I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!"

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like Woah, this house is amazing.

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

It's Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.

You mock those who blindly follow the majority...turn your attention now to those who are so dedicated to deviating from the norm that they would gladly cease breathing if it were suggested to them that inhalation was a form of conformity; for they deserve just as much scrutiny and ridicule.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

To make even fewer friends try talking about politics as much as you talk about yourself.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".

Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies, somebody cleaned my room.

I've never read an article of clothing.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.