Top 219 Quotes & Sayings by Doug Stanhope
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Doug Stanhope.
Last updated on April 14, 2025.
You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.
I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if I'm paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see who's funniest, with everyone treated equally.
Comedy can always be taken the wrong way. If I do a bit that is meant to diffuse racism or sexism, I'm not going to avoid it on the chance that a small portion of the audience might take it the wrong way.
The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.
I had no musical or athletic ability, and I wasn't particularly good looking. Comedy was something I could do for attention.
Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.
I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.
I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.
I think it's probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.
I wish the 50 states would break up. Lose the centralised government. More choice. How do you want to live, there's 50 different ways! You hate black people? We've a state for that. You wanna have an abortion? Here's a state. I think we should just keep breaking up countries now so they become just individuals.
I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?
What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority.
Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.
Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.
Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!
A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!
America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.
You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.
Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.
Your sins are what make you fantastic. It's what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.
They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.
If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?
Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.
You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."
I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?
What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.
I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.
Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.
One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.
Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.
I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.
The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They'll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that's bullshit.
If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.
Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.
Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.
Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people.
Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.
I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!
Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.
The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.
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