Top 219 Quotes & Sayings by Doug Stanhope - Page 2

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

"Close your mouth when you chew." That was my mother's big one.Why do people eat lunch together? I want to eat by myself. Chewing is one of the most revolting things to me. Wind makes me unnerved, too.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate?

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn't count cos it's not really dangerous and it's too easy to get.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don't want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, "Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!"

Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason.

Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.

If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

There should be no such thing as a vice law. Every vice is only a bad habit, and the punishment is inherent in the act.

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That's all America is: a government. There's no such thing as 'we're Americans.' That's just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You're not an American. You're a guy, you're a person, you're an individual.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.

You're born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that's a law, if you get old you die, that's a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you're born with.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual. Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

Love is such an arbitrary thing. I love my mom. I love pancakes.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick that you can never drink the same kind again ? I've decided that's how I'm going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.

Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.

We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has such or such a predominant passion, that he will act invariably and consequentially in pursuit of it. No, we are complicated machines; and though we have one main spring that gives motion to the whole, we have an infinity of little wheels, which, in their turns, retard, precipitate, and sometime stop that motion.

I drink during every show. I can't remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It's like steroids are for athletes. I'm looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn't have been on stage this long.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn't hold.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.