Top 248 Quotes & Sayings by Dov Davidoff - Page 2

The man I want to be could easily beat me up.

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one.

Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.

The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.

Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?

Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.

Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.

It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Coming to terms with my feelings of worthlessness isn't always a bad time, but it's rarely a good one.

Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.

Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.

Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?

Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth... I guess.