Top 248 Quotes & Sayings by Dov Davidoff - Page 4

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.

Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.

The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.

Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.

You forget how crazy people are in New York, all the people on the sidewalk. When you leave here, everyone's in their car. But I get back here - I just went to throw something in the garbage, and there was a guy in the garbage. And he wasn't looking in it; he is in it, looking out over 9th Ave like a fisherman.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.

Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.

I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.

I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

Comedy is rarely funny.

Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.

Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.

The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.

When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.