Top 206 Quotes & Sayings by Dylan Moran - Page 4

I’ve always been a big consumer of American journalism over the years and had an interest in the history of it and of the press in America; how it has changed.

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?'

I have to say, as much I am respectful of people's faith and the idea of it being necessary for them, but when it comes to the Catholic church as an organization I don't have one scintilla of compassion, understanding, anything. I just think they're the most heinous, corrupt, separatingly vile organization that's ever been on the planet.

Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We're very nervous about them. You know, people go, "Don't go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!" When I was a child they'd kick you out and you weren't expected to come back until there were bats!

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.

I dont watch a whole lot of stand up. Mainly I prefer to read writers; they make me laugh the most. Something gets you when youre alone and someones voice is coming through their work. Theres a different quality to it that stays with you a bit more.

You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling.

Men don't know anything! Men don't know when their lives became so entirely awful, when everyone else turned into such a tosser! A man does not know how he came by the half a pie he is holding in his hand. And scientists - those frauds - seize on this, and try to use it as proof of the mysteries of human consciousness and the unknowable nature of the brain, which is rubbish!

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!

He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.

I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'

In my personal life, my family makes me laugh more than anybody; I think that is the same for everybody. I certainly hope it is.

I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.

The sensible thing for everyone to do would be to write all their op-eds and think pieces now so they're ready the day after the election when [Donald] Trump is no longer in the picture. God, I can't wait for that. I hope he just goes away.

I know there's similar dissatisfaction in America. There's a lot of white people who come from blue collar backgrounds and who feel ill-equipped and badly served by modern economics and the modern job market.

It's such a bullshit move. Transparently so. It's obviously supposed to give succor to people who feel pissed off because someone from another country got a job that they feel should've been given to them. But that's what people voted against here. They voted against the movement of labor - that kind of fluidity - because they want a Britain that no longer exists, and they can't get it.