Top 166 Quotes & Sayings by Eddie Izzard

If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.

I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.

Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.

I'm a one-man idiot.

I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be funny, and the bottom line of acting is to be truthful, and they get that mixed up sometimes, or don't even notice that that's the thing.

I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!

Comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.

Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.

I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.

Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

In stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?

I use a Bruce Lee technique: 'The way of no way.' He had the idea that he would learn everything, so that whoever he had to fight, he could improvise anything. The best way of starting a gig is just to not think of anything - to clear your mind, not in an empty Zen state, but more just to go on and see where you go.

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.

If you go down as a comedian's comedian, that's basically meaning other comedians are hopefully feeling that you're doing okay.

Animals in the wild are lean, and I think we should be too.

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

I don't believe that competitions are important.

I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.

Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.

You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words ... have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going ... [mimes obeying all commands] "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!"

When you're more mature, you do start telling the truth, in odd situations. "I'm sorry, I've broken a glass here. Is that expensive? I'll pay for it. I'm sorry." And you do that so that people in the room might go, "What a strong personality that person has. I like to have sex with people with strong personalities."

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!" "Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. OK, we can swing with that. But performance 'debilitating' drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the 100 metres, fair play for you. That's pretty good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.

Danger could be my middle name... But it's John.

I appreciate your applause, but I don't do it for applause. I do it for cash, it's much better.

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, Is that Rod Stewart in first class?

If you can be your own force of nature and have a positive heart, then you can actually do something good in the world.

The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going,Oh... I... oh... What is it Lieutenant Sebastian? It's just the Rebels, sir... they're here. My God, man! Do they want tea? No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag. Damn, that's dash cunning of them.

They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.

I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings.

The Pope is guarded by the Swiss guard who stand proudly in pajamas and silly hats.

If there were a god, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?

There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!

Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?

So then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, ''Yeah, I suppose so.

America is the new Roman Empire. Remember what happened to Rome.

Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney?

We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!

Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. 'In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran.'

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

You’ve got to believe you can be a standup before you can be a standup. You have to believe you can act before you can act. You have to believe you can be an astronaut before you can be an astronaut. You’ve got to believe.

Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch - death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower ...' "