Top 209 Quotes & Sayings by Emo Philips
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Emo Philips.
Last updated on December 23, 2024.
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.
I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.
Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.
I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.
I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.
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