Top 209 Quotes & Sayings by Emo Philips - Page 2

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.

What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all old. They all have two carts and coupons for every item. They are all paying by check. None of them have ID. It's the checkout girl's first day on the job. She doesn't speak any English. Take away fifteen minutes from that, and you begin to get an idea of what eternity is.

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.