Top 209 Quotes & Sayings by Emo Philips - Page 3

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.

The question is absurd: when you ask, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then does He allow suffering?', what you are really asking is, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then can He not make me (the questioner) - who is just as much a part of a universe in which there is suffering as is any other part - be at the same time the exact same questioner, but one who is now part and parcel of a universe in which there is no suffering?' Which, reduced down, is the same thing as asking, 'Why can there not be, at the same time, X and the preclusion of X?'

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!