Top 335 Quotes & Sayings by Erma Bombeck
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American journalist Erma Bombeck.
Last updated on September 15, 2024.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
God created man, but I could do better.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
Children make your life important.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
Related Authors
Ambrose Bierce Quotes
American
Journalist
Andy Rooney Quotes
American
Journalist
Ann Coulter Quotes
American
Journalist
Anna Quindlen Quotes
American
Journalist
Bill Vaughan Quotes
American
Journalist
Dave Barry Quotes
American
Journalist
Dennis Prager Quotes
American
Journalist
Fran Lebowitz Quotes
American
Journalist
George Will Quotes
American
Journalist
Glenn Beck Quotes
American
Journalist
Hunter S. Thompson Quotes
American
Journalist
Mark Shields Quotes
American
Journalist
Mignon McLaughlin Quotes
American
Journalist
Molly Ivins Quotes
American
Journalist
Rachel Maddow Quotes
American
Journalist
Walter Lippmann Quotes
American
Journalist