Top 98 Quotes & Sayings by Fred Allen
Explore popular quotes and sayings by an American comedian Fred Allen.
Last updated on November 21, 2024.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
Television is the triumph of machine over people.
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard- let him worry about cutting it.
A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Everything is for the eye these days - TV, Life, Look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eyeballs as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.
The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think- Ladies' Home JournalI'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four
A psychiatrists is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.
Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans.
If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.
Related Authors
Bill Maher Quotes
American
Comedian
Craig Ferguson Quotes
Scottish
Comedian
David Letterman Quotes
American
Comedian
Demetri Martin Quotes
American
Comedian
Ellen DeGeneres Quotes
American
Comedian
George Carlin Quotes
American
Comedian
Jay Leno Quotes
American
Comedian
Jim Gaffigan Quotes
American
Comedian
Jimmy Fallon Quotes
American
Comedian
Joan Rivers Quotes
American
Comedian
Mitch Hedberg Quotes
American
Comedian
P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
American
Comedian
Robin Williams Quotes
American
Comedian
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
American
Comedian
Stephen Colbert Quotes
American
Comedian
Steven Wright Quotes
American
Comedian