Top 147 Quotes & Sayings by George Burns

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

At my age flowers scare me.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

How can I die? I'm booked.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

Fall in love with what you're going to do for a living. To be able to get out of bed and do what you love to do for the rest of the day is beyond words. I'd rather be a failure in something I love than be successful in something I hate.

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

Lots of people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we don't do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired; and when you get tired you get grouchy; and when you get grouchy you start fighting; and when you start fighting you're out of business.

There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.

I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.