Top 147 Quotes & Sayings by George Burns - Page 2

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

The happiest people I know are the ones that are still working. The saddest are the ones who are retired. Very few performers retire on their own. It's usually because no one wants them. Six years ago Sinatra announced his retirement. He's still working.

I get a standing ovation just standing

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.

Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.

I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

By [age] 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.

Young. Old. Just Words.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.

At home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.

My major contribution to the format was to suggest that I be able to step out of the plot and speak directly to the audience, and then be able to go right back into the action. That was an original idea of mine; I know it was because I originally stole it from Thornton Wilder's play Our Town.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up.

In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, the rest is easy.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

As long as you're working, you stay young.

I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.

Life's but a day at most.

Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.

When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.

When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.