Top 981 Quotes & Sayings by George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Always do whatever's next.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Religion is just mind control.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Think off-center.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

The status quo sucks.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own, and control the corporations. They've long since bought, and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear.

Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn't want you to know something, it won't be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.