Top 981 Quotes & Sayings by George Carlin - Page 10

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.

The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.

I say things that can be defined as prayers. But I don't pray to a power or ask an entity to intercede in the earthly scheme, because I don't believe that happens. But if I see a really unfortunate person in the street, I do pray, yes, though I suppose it's really more like a mantra to ease my own sorrow.

I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

Never get on an airplane if the pilot is wearing a hat that has more than three pastel colors.

Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.

Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.

You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet.

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

Life is tough, then you die.

Grass [marijuana] probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.

I actually was a writer who had the ability to perform his own work as opposed to a comedian who wrote his own material. So that really made me happy and changed my whole perspective.

Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests. I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.

Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

Everything beeps now.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian."

Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.

No, there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It's certainly not a judgmental entity. It's certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God.

With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."

When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.