Top 981 Quotes & Sayings by George Carlin - Page 11

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Heroin, forget it. In my neighborhood, I could see what heroin did firsthand and I was definitely afraid of that number.

Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

We use up words like 'spiritual' so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago spiritual had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is bogosity a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it 'how I fit'.

Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!'

What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this."

Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids today", all those old-fashioned themes - or, if it's deeper, and somewhat more thoughtful, about social imbalance and inequities, and the folly of human behavior. It's usually a complaint.

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.

People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

Jesus was a cross-dresser.

The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people.

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.

My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.

Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem.

Let's suppose we all just materialized on Earth and there was a bunch of potatoes on the ground, okay? There's just six of us. Only six humans. We come into a clearing and there's potatoes on the ground. Now, my instinct would be, let's everybody get some potatoes. "Everybody got a potato? Joey didn't get a potato! He's small, he can't hold as many potatoes. Give Joey some of your potatoes." "No, these are my potatoes!" That's the Republicans. "I collected more of them, I got a bigger pile of potatoes, they're mine. If you want some of them, you're going to have to give me something."

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.

So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence.

We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.

There's an idea that the human body is somehow evil and bad and there are parts of it that are especially evil and bad, and we should be ashamed. Fear, guilt and shame are built into the attitude toward sex and the body. It's reflected in these prohibitions and these taboos that we have.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

By the next one [albom],Occupation: Foole, I was right back into the trip again. I'm more frantic, more breathless. You can hear how sick I am. If you want to see a cokehead, just look at the pictures on the Occupation: Foole album.

Every day I break my own personal record for number of days I have been alive.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM! CRUNCH!] "Look, they nearly missed!" "Yes, but not quite.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.

I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure

All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.